Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
I have been allowing myself a great deal of pain lately. My father passed away, and the nature of my marriage changed just as it was getting started. I have accepted both changes, but I have been grieving.
My father and I had a rocky relationship and we were never close. I have felt tremendous loss and pain over his death just the same. I am beginning to understand that what I lost was the hope that our relationship would be repaired. When he passed, any hope that he and I would be close passed with him. I was a disappointment to him, and no action on my part now will every change his past opinions. I am beginning to understand that underneath all of the human trappings, no matter what I felt or believed, he loved me…and loves me still. As I break the shell, I begin to understand.
My husband and I married with stars in our eyes and the moon overhead [not literally]. Though we are neither of us young, we had hope that we would find a way to build a life together. We would be there to love and support each other. We would, neither of us, be alone again. Life got in the way. A million little things added up to emotional distance, anger, frustration, and pain. Things have been said, which will never be unsaid. Promises were made that now cannot be kept. I am beginning to understand that underneath all of the human trappings, the harsh words and broken promises, no matter what I feel or believe, he loves me still. As I break the shell, I begin to understand.